What Irritates Us in Others? A Parable of a Teacher and Three Students
A short, wise parable about why some habits of other people barely bother us while others drive us crazy. The author is unknown, but the idea is worth thinking about.
The parable starts with a simple question from a teacher about sales and ends with a conclusion worth trying on yourself.
The Teacher said:
“Yesterday we didn’t finish our talk about problems. What is the biggest problem you face in sales?”The students thought for a while. Finally one of them said:
“I know, Teacher. It drives me mad when I arrange to meet someone, I show up, and they’re not there at all or they keep me waiting.”Another student said:
“What irritates me most is when someone promises me something and then doesn’t do it.”The third complained:
“I can’t stand it when a person won’t give a clear answer. It doesn’t matter whether I’m offering them a product or asking how they plan to spend the weekend.”There were no other students that day. The Teacher asked the first one:
“Tell me, have you ever been late anywhere?”
“I don’t remember ever being late, except maybe as a child. I’m always checking the time and hurrying.”The Teacher asked the second student:
“Do you always keep your promises?”
“Yes,” the student answered, “whatever it costs me!”The Teacher asked the third one:
“And are you always clear and specific when you speak?”
“Absolutely!” the third student exclaimed.“Now imagine,” said the Teacher, “that you don’t have to hurry anywhere, you don’t have to answer for your words at all, and you can speak in vague phrases about almost nothing.”
Each of the students thought about something of his own. Seeing all three lower their heads in thought, the Teacher went on:
“What irritates us most in others is what we cannot allow ourselves. We think these are problems, but much more often it is our envy.”
What to take from it
The parable doesn’t say that being late or breaking promises is fine. It’s about where a strong reaction comes from. If someone’s behavior doesn’t just bother you but really gets under your skin, it’s worth asking yourself: “Am I forbidding myself this too strictly?”
Psychologists call a similar effect projection: we notice most sharply in others what we don’t accept in ourselves. Understanding this isn’t about no longer expecting people to be on time; it’s about reacting more calmly:
- state the fact without judgment: “he was 20 minutes late,” not “he never respects me”;
- say what you expect clearly and in advance;
- sometimes allow yourself a little of what irritates you in others: don’t rush, don’t promise too much, say “I don’t know yet.”
Then irritation becomes a hint about yourself rather than a reason to argue.